it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶