Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
I’m calling the cops.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”