lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Me, in DM rooms…
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.