imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Dolls on drugs
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.