> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
Woke up against my better judgment again
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid