a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Me, in DM rooms…
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.