8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Got ya covered
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Me: how are you
Friday: good
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
