i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Spring of Deception
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks