my tinder date sounds fun: fingerblaster69. he probably does that finger guns thing. i love that
A man tells his doctor he applied the haemorrhoid cream and got a nasty reaction.
“Where did you apply it?” asked the doctor.He replied: “On the bus.”
Pepper & I getting some sun on the patio when a herd of deer passed by. Biggest herd I’ve seen so far ever. I counted 9. Usually it’s just 3. But you know, today is Sunday maybe family came over.
son: I don’t care, you dumb baby!
daughter: I’m not a dumb baby, you’re a dumb baby!
me: hey!!! what have I told you guys?!?
son & daughter: all babies are dumb so it’s redundant
me: thank you!
i need a beautiful woman to season me and mix me into a giant pot of stew
f*** a break up, have y’all ever had to chase your dog down the street and they’re thinking it’s a game.
Stupid cow blocking the road. HOW DAIRY!
If you’re a mad scientist, put a note in your laboratory reminding you to sometimes be a happy scientist.
Just chopped 10 cords of wood before breakfast in case you ladies are looking for a he-man type of liar.
Family guy is so insane bc why were ppl dating that dog
It’s called a ceasar salad because you stab it a bunch of times when you eat it
There’s either a lot of cops out today, or I’m under surveillance.
Cop: where were you on October 4th 1973 at 6:48PM?
Me: I was sitting in my living room recliner
Cop: how could you…
Wife: Trust me. He’s always there.
Never, ever shout FIRE in a crowded theatre. Shouting LION is much funnier.
My 9yo decided to give me a lil pop quiz on our way to school this morning. She really pumped me up and cheered every time I got it right. Anyway, I accidentally did her math homework