Unfair that the older I get, the clearer photo quality gets.
He’s making a list,
And checking it twice,
You’re gonna find number 12
Very hard to believe.
Santa Clause is working
for Buzzfeed.
You don’t scare me. You’re not a trip to Costco on the weekend 10 days before Christmas.
is the cheesecake factory menu on audible bc i’m not reading all that.
if i gave birth in a barn and then a little boy came in and started playing the drums I would throw the baby at him
Cooking a roast dinner is much better than having one cooked for you, because you can eat pretty much a whole extra serving while you’re making it. For instance, I just “tested” three roast potatoes. Next I’m going to test a Yorkshire pudding.
Such a cozy feeling to learn the reason your kid can’t sleep is because they hear whispers in their room.
Bartenders be like ” heres that receipt, i’ll go ahead and put it on the wettest part of the bar”
“YOU’RE GONNA GET THE HELL OVER HERE AND WATCH THIS CHRISTMAS MOVIE WITH US AS A FAMILY AND YOU’RE GONNA HAVE CHRISTMAS JOY!!”
– And other fun christmas things I say to my kids
They say if you see something, say something. Of course they’ll tell you to go be crazy somewhere else, but still.
it is so crazy how many hours are actually in a day when u wake up before 11:30 am…..wow………do people know about this
NEW LAUNDRY RULES!
1. IF IT COMES TO ME INSIDE OUT, YOU GET IT BACK INSIDE OUT!
2. IF IT COMES TO ME RUMPLED IN A BALL, YOU GET IT BACK RUMPLED IN A BALL!
3. IF IT COMES TO ME WITH $20 IN THE POCKET, OK ACTUALLY I’M KEEPING THAT.
Normalize arguing with plants who refuse to stay alive.
The Murphy bed mishap was as hilarious as it was fatal.
Shampoo companies need to be clearer when they say “repairs damage”
I cancelled my therapist appointments for nothing