They should make the last foot of dental floss red so you know when you’re about to run out
Everyone is a genius until they try to use someone else’s microwave.
The most accurate map ever devised.
The left. The right. The ambidextrous. Politics is so confusing.
︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎
stop complaining about your life. There are literally people living in Iowa.
Every
Single
Year
Political ads be like: send us money so we can send you more ads
People who put jam AND marmalade on toast are polyjamorous.
I still can’t believe Aldi sells these for 25 cents. I’ve got 8 of them now and don’t really even have a use for them, it was just too good of a deal to pass up.
Guy on an electric bike asked if I was single and I told him I’m not really “into dating right now” and he said “that’s cool” and let me ride his very cool electric bike but when it was over he said “that’s what you’re missing” and scooted off into the distance
Do you know what kind of pants a psychic wears?
Just a paranormal pants.
Last night my neighbour came home drunk and banged on his own door for like 5 minutes. Problem is, he lives alone….
So I went outside and told him he wasn’t there and he left!
i said it’s my favorite movie, i didn’t say it was good
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.