When you said “let’s circle back to that in the new year” and now it’s the new year.
*Usher and Lil John singing from the radio*: “Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!”My 7yo: What’s this song called?
Good morning to everyone except my husband who deliberately slept whilst I didn’t.
I found a set of keys everyone was looking for in the pub so i’m a magpie now apparently if anyone’s lost any shiny shit
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Whoever decided to spell “schnapps” was a dippschit.
if someone leaves your life it’s often because the actor playing them is getting cancelled in the real world
I lost my little toe in a wood chopping accident. It was replaced with a rubber prosthetic. My friends now call me Roberto.
the way turkeys feel about november is probably how treadmills feel about january
My husband asked if anyone had to use the bathroom as we approached a rest stop on the interstate. When everyone said no, he responded, “Speak now or forever hold your pee” and made some dad out there proud.
This morning my 4yo made up the best joke I’ve ever heard???
“What do you call a carriage pulled by snakes?”
“A hiss-drawn carriage”
And now begins the yearly tradition of writing the incorrect year on everything, for the next 3 months.
I didn’t mean to gain weight
It happened by snaccident
yo who decided that the standard lullabies for children are about people dying of bubonic plague or baby cradles falling out of trees
notebooks need to stop saying notebook on them. girl we know…