So I was in a shoe store this morning and was trying on a shoe.
I said to the assistant: “It’s too tight”.
She said: “Try it with the tongue out”,
I said: “It’th nho ghood, it’th thtill thoo thight!”
(Watching Hocus Pocus with my kids for the first time)
Twinzer: Dad, what’s a virgin?
Me: uh… someone from Virginia
Split the bill
If you show up to a baby shower holding a sickle, nobody complains that you didn’t bring a gift.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
when she block me on everything
Aries: Maybe you don’t understand what you’re doing with your life, but you’re not alone. No one else understands what you’re doing with your life, either.
happy halloween
what do you mean you’re the glamdalorian
“My lawyer will have me out in an hour.”
Someone asked if my niece was my sister and the look of pleasure on my 40 year old face was matched only by the look of horror on her teenage face
god, never seen san francisco this bad. spiderwebs completely covering entire business, skeletons just strewn about sidewalks in every neighborhood, things have got to change
My humor is broken
Been banned from every restaurant in my town for refusing to stop calling lasagna ‘Italian meat cake’.