Playing Rugby is a great way to meet new people, Paramedic’s … Nurses,…Orthopedic Surgeons.
If I was Snow White you wouldn’t get me with an apple. You’d have to poison a taco or something
me: dating is hard
me on a date: future archaeologist will dig up disney world and assume it’s a temple of mouse worship
If you’re having a bad day I just want you to know I asked the paint guy at the counter for a gallon of “Menstrual Rose” when it was actually “Minstrel Rose” …so ya
“You block people over politics?” I’ll block people if they say something too mean about a Muppet
You don’t realize how inappropriate your music is until you have a car full of other people’s children
woke up in the middle of the night with an incredible idea, notes app this morning says “sparkling cream cheese”
“Don’t forget Romans and countrymen!”
Working in fungus identification is really dull. Every day it’s just say mould, say mould…
Me starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet
9am: One cookie instead of two
target is planning to open full bars in their stores. my wife will never come home now.
Voter fraud started when I lost People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive in 1997.
I went to a job interview, and it didn’t go well.
How was I supposed to know HTML doesn’t mean how to make lasagna?
I mean, I don’t know how to make lasagna either, but they didn’t know that.
From the videos I’ve seen lately, I only need a few simple steps to renovate my kitchen:
Step 1. Come into a large inheritance
Used to be a hairdresser. Once when trimming a bob my pinkie finger slipped into the clients mouth. Awkward eye contact ensued. We’ve been married 24 years. Only joking, he never came back to the salon.