I don’t think I can be bothered with dating anymore?
My husband:
Bro sacrificed his freedom just for that joke
I always listen to podcasts while I’m cleaning my house. Even the dullest chore can be enjoyable if you clean your house at the same time.
My firstborn put our house on Yelp and left a review stating the food is great but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
People make the mistake of keeping aubergines in the fridge, when in fact they should be kept in the bin
Whoever came up with the name “dentures” really missed the opportunity to call them “substitooths”😂😂
In an alternate universe you just escaped from a research facility.
I love being an adult and sitting absolutely still and suddenly I’ve hurt my neck somehow
[gently waking my mom] I’m in a gang now. With 43 monkeys.
A mustache is just mouth bangs.
Be the lemon you want the world to hand you.
Me: [cracks open a can of beer]
Priest in confessional: “What was that noise?”
Me after TurboTax asks me to confirm I’ve reviewed all of the documents (I don’t understand anything)
People on Facebook be like “can anyone tell me about a thing I can easily Google myself?”
