Met someone on a dating app and my message autocorrected nice to meet you with nice to wet you so that was an immediate match for him.
Frantically deleting all my negative tweets about The Hamburglar after I get a job at McDonald’s
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
Nicole Kidman said WHAT?!
the internet helped stupid ppl find other stupid people, making them all think it’s okay to be stupid.
The horror of touching the spoon on the bin when disposing of a tea bag.
Another spoon will now be on stirring duty. A pure spoon.
The worst part of getting new shoes is the breaking in phase. Once you’ve broken into the shoe shop, the rest is easy.
You’re not my real can
Today seems like as good a day as any to start drinking some of these 99 beers on the wall
Overheard the most hilarious conversation on my morning commute, then realized it was just me talking to myself in my car.
I need a vacation.
[first day at ninja school]
*wonders if i’m in the right room as i can’t see or hear anyone else*
“The weatherman isn’t real!”
-first graders thinking the weatherman is a marvel character