“Please be normal”
“Nope”
Everyday is leg day when you’re running from your problems
Me: Remember when I rubbed you out?
Genie: Stop saying it like that.
You have two wolves inside you.
Should have ordered an appetizer.
Kidnapper: your coming with me
Me: * you’re
Recently heard through the grapevine that my wife of twenty years boasted to her girlfriends on a tipsy night out that I was amazing in bed. She’s never said anything like that to me. I’m the proudest I’ve ever been, and I can’t tell anyone because I’m not supposed to know.
This is the best photo of Mount Fuji
speaking in tongues is a great way to quickly end a bad first date
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly.
Because communication is key.
Went to P-T conferences yesterday and my 9yo was a hit with her teachers. She’s sweet, kind and hardworking. They even said “Great job mom and dad”.
This is the same 9yo who I once told to stop being loud, so she spitefully told Alexa to fart 47 times.
Wife: Can you turn on the computer?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of computer]
Wife: why for everything
You’re digging a deep hole in the sand. Your mother asks if you’re digging to China. You check your pocket globe.
I don’t know who needs to hear this today, but you are valued and you are loved.
Unless you talk on speakerphone in public.
In which case, everyone hates you.
Animal: Touch me and I will kill you with systematic attention to detail designed to inflict the absolute maximum amount of suffering your mind can comprehend
Me: That tail tho
