Just paid rent. Now I have a place to starve in
Me: I’d like a pumpkin ale.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE BEER
When I am served half an egg at a restaurant,
I wonder to myself:
Who has the other half of my egg?
Two strangers;
Living their lives;
Sharing an egg.
when i said i wanted to be held, i didn’t mean accountable.
My kid told me that school today was “bad” and “sooo boring” and all because a teacher said he wasn’t allowed to catch lizards at recess
“you won’t always have a calculator with you” yes I will. The real test should be whether or not I can finish the quiz without buying anything online
Nobody ever talks about how Sodom and Gomorrah were walkable cities
me when i smell free food in the break room
Me when I hear gossip
Welcome home! How was your trip? Do you want to hear the good news about your plants or the bad news about your cat?
All week the kids have been asking me where the hairbrushes are, I just checked and they’re in the bathroom drawers exactly where they’re supposed to be, which is apparently very confusing for my children
He instantly became one of the bros
I failed as a person; I’m a dinosaur now.
Good morning
