My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
Said the murderer.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
What Bob, you’re interrupting.