For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.