“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
i think we should see other cousins
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.