I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
Seas the day!!!!
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
May have had one breakfast too many
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
I feel it
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it