I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
#Caturday
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.