11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
emergency phone
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.