If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
shut up and take my money
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
they really do be looking like this
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
cyclists
