Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways