Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
That’s amazing.
White Castle for the Win
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it