Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
I can’t wait!
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
Smile they said.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
I didn’t realize that was an option
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp