Such bad timing that me having the menopause coincided with everyone suddenly breathing really loudly
I don’t regret becoming a stand-up comedian for one minute. I regret that I carried on after that first minute.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
“So basically, they’ll either be able to go back 10 seconds by tapping this one, or about an hour and a half by pressing this one and leaving it for over 0.3 of a second”
“Anything in between?”
“Nope”
[Standing ovation]
“Rewind” department meeting at streaming service HQ.
🍂🕷️🍂
Me attempting to flirt: So do you like doing things?
My dog burst through the screen door yesterday so I’m dressing her up as the Kool-Aid man for Halloween.
When I can she’s been typing her reply for 5 mins.
Trying out a new chicken fried steak recipe tonight because I think it’s important for my kids to learn to reject lots of different kinds of foods.
Like many people of my generation I was brought up to live my life believing in the virtue of delayed gratification.
I’m now in my 60s and it’s too soon to say whether it was worth it.
The next James Bond should be played by a duck. But not a female duck, obviously. That would be unrealistic.
when they have a dream sequence in a movie, how do they film the person’s dream?
So wait, witch. You’re telling me I should only drive a stick?
OK Broomer
Me: Can you do MyFitnessPal with me?
Husband: *immediately loses 8lbs*
And now…a ‘joke’.
“WAITER! I’d like to complain about my lion pie”
“What seems to be the problem, madam?”
“It’s ROAR in the middle”
“Apologies, madam. I shall bring you the menu so you can choose an alternative MANE course”
*coughs*