What’s green, has six legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?
A billiard table.
Her: come on over
Me: can’t. I’m sitting here pondering the meaning of the universe
Her: but I’m alone
Me: aren’t we all
you’ve destroyed the sanctity of this gazebo you belligerent fool
SMS passcode is 1477178 in case anyone needed it. They said to not share it but I’m trying to live in an abundance mindset
thats my bad
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful.
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, she says her printer doesn’t work.
TWITTER IS NOT BACK IN BRAZIL YET
IT WAS A BUGQUICK I DONT HAVE MUCH TIME
THE KRABBY PATTY SECRET FORMULA IS-
I am such a fun person and so easy to get along with as long as the layout I have secretly imagined for the entire day goes exactly as I planned it without variation or interruption
there should be a tented fingers emoji. for when you’re feeling ruminative
Tried to straighten the wrinkles in my socks. I wasn’t wearing any.
Nothing good happens on the credit card after midnight.
You never forget your first kiss. Or your first meeting with HR.
Lie during your job interview because they’re lying to you about their great work environment
You think you’re raising your kids right, and then one of them decides to be a fan of your football team’s arch rival.
