My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well