“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.