Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
For the orator and chef in all of us
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
LA today:
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently