[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
For the orator and chef in all of us
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
LA today:
