When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”