What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles