kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”