Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
so much to do
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
Cardio Made Easy
