I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
#Caturday
That’s it.I’m out.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.