I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Saturday
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”