“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
ouch
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me