when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
#Caturday
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Wait a minute…
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done