My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Oh. My. God.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
consequences, the bane of my existence
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
New menu item
Why do meteors always land in craters?