My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
I bet
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
Something Saturday.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion