It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Buck naked
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face