Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’