I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]