Me: I have a toothache
WebMD: Your dad is the Zodiac killer
“tomorrow i’ll wake up early to do it”
me at 10am:
chat should i buy a house or 1 sabrina carpenter ticket?
Maybe my washing machine keeps telling me it has one more minute left in the cycle because it’s connected to the wifi and doesn’t want to stop scrolling TikTok.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If I had a time machine, I’d go back and tell the Vikings that ‘MmmBop’ was a war cry.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
Im sick of the microsoft authenticator like who would be logging in to do my work? Tf 😭😭😭😭
He was a t8er boi. My little potato boi
Went fishing and actually caught a fish. So now I gotta deal with this shit
Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10.
Simple meth.
my friends: we are having babies, also we just got engaged, also we’ve just bought a house
me: a man with a history of not texting me back has liked an Instagram story, do we think this means something
The dude who invented the autocorrect has died. Restaurant in piece
When I was 7, I fell out the bed twice. It was a twin & my mom was like, “if you keep falling out the bed we’re gonna have to get you a bigger bed.” For two weeks straight, I woke up extra early before school & would lay out on the floor. My dad then got me a queen sized bed.
Science has enough bodies I’m donating mine to English lit just to spice things up a bit