The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Accurate
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.