Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
