Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
