I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”