Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
Its a hippotatomus
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
This will never not be funny 😭
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw